you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
