"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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