This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
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the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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