I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
