thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
