Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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