I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
