Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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