I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
