Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There's always time for handjobs
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
