Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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