note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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