There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
