I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm getting married
To pizza
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
