Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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