I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
