This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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