Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
third nipple confirmed
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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