I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
