Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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