he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
