Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
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I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
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Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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