i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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