I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
