____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
