all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
