Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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