you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Can you bring me the toilet please
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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