i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
