The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
where are my eyebrows?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
