Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
