Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
