I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
