So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
