I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
