pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
