11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
