I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If I had your ass I would rule the world
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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