I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
