that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
