know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
