You were right. It hurts to walk today.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
