I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
