So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
