You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
