so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
