If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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