so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
