Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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