do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
