You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i think i have two assholes
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
bring money and cleavage
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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