Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
