why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
