you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
