why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
