I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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