Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
